The Emoji Movie (Actual Review)

Hello, everyone. As you may have surmised by now, yesterday’s “post” was my lame attempt at an April Fool’s joke. Disappointing, I know. To consolidate you, however, here’s my actual review on the Emoji Movie. I don’t really know if I can be quite San organised as last time, though, so this will be more of a rant than a proper review.

I also don’t know if my normal rating system can really be applied to this movie, so I’m going to have to think of something different for this. While I think of it though, here’s my review.

So, overall thoughts on it? …Don’t kill me for saying this, but it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Don’t get me wrong though, it was still bad to the point where I kept all the curtains closed and the door locked (no one must know), but I don’t have as bad an opinion on it that others do. It’s a pretty easy target anyhow, but it was…meh.

The story is almost like Foodfight. Already a terrific start, I know. All these objects you thought were inanimate are actually real and live in their own world, but when something bad happens to them the dumb protagonist and his even more moronic sidekicks have to save their world from being ruined while this terrible female villain tries to stop them. In the end, everything goes back to normal, the protag gets their girl and their dumb message is forced in. I’m pretty sure they both end on a dance number too. This movie’s especially is absolutely horrific.

The best part of the story was just how technologically inaccurate it was. Some things you could handwave by saying ‘oh it’s just a movie so it’s creative license’ but some stuff makes no sense, like making internet trolls just beings inside the phone?! The end is an absolute copout too. The dumb kid Alex or Arthur or whatever goes to get his phone deleted because it starts malfunctioning all the time but when Gene EXPRESSES HIMSELF (BECAUSE THAT’S THE THEME OF THE MOVIE, GET IT?!) and now is malfunctioning in a way that benefits Austin, he just goes “oh okay I guess this is good now” and unplugs the phone, WHICH ALSO BRINGS BACK ALL THE DELETED DATA?! Which allows those idiots to live I guess. Except Smiler, I dunno what happens to her after she gets crushed by her dumbbot.

The characters were hilariously entertaining in how they were all so mean-spirited. They make all these jokes which actually bring negative messages. Like when Gene and Hi-5 leave on their great adventure and the red wagon comes and asks if it can go, Hi-5 just says “TALK TO THE HAND” and they abandon him. Real nice of him. And then there’s this joke about how Jailbreak, now revealed to be a princess, can’t just whistle and have birds come to her because that’s a stereotype but afterwards, it turns out that she can do that! Hi-5 even comments on it. Great job, movie! Now I know to always believe stereotypes! A good message for the kiddies watching this. Not that there’s that many of them, but still.

The “romance” between the lead characters, if you can even call it that, was utter garbage. Watching the movie for the first time I could tell just when the writers decided ‘Yep, this is the part where the fall in love now’. And when Jailbreak says that she doesn’t want to just be in a romance and wants to pursue her own thing, Gene goes “waaaah, she doesn’t wanna be with me” and ‘meh’s out. How sour of him, as well as a good message. Remember, kids, if you ask someone out and they say they aren’t interested, you should definitely be angry with them because it’s their fault that they don’t love your perfect self!

The animation was subpar. Not much to say, it did its job without being bad or in the way. I guess you could say it was…meh. Jokes were hit and miss, which surprised me because there were actually hits at all. I don’t actually remember what they were, given, but I remember liking them so they probably existed as well. Biggest surprise for me was they only had four poop jokes (not including the butt jokes, there were about two or three of those). Incredible restraint on their part to only stop there.

Er, that’s mostly all that comes to mind. Terrible movie, but somehow fun to watch (and riff on). Even the popcorn didn’t taste that great. …Erm, right, ranking. Well, since they only made four poop jokes…then my ranking is 💩💩💩💩 out of ten, just because of the ironic enjoyment. If we’re talking about genuine enjoyment, then it’s probably out of hundred.

And that’s about it. Thanks for reading this, guys. More stuff coming this weekend, perhaps even more embarrassing than this is. Scary, I know.


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